Thursday, August 17, 2006

Just found this in the comments:
August 17, 2006
From the offices of Miles Monroe, publicist

As you know, this office (Miles Monroe & Assoc.) is and has represented Mr. Smeagol Smeagol for a number of years. Mr. Smeagol (who has also used the nome de plume "Gollum" in certain theatrical and cinematic ventures).

Mr. Smeagol was shocked and outraged to discover this morning that his name was associated with a parody posted to the website Don't Hire Deb Frisch ("DHDF"). In the outrageous post, Mr. Smeagol's good name and reputation were linked in an unfavorable way to Deb Frisch, a nearly homeless, unemployed and rabid former adjunct lecturer currently living near a state park restroom in Eugene Oregon. Ms. Frisch, who claims to have an advanced college degree from a large university (representatives of that school have contacted me and have asked that the school not be named), has often been described as "crazy as a shit-house rat". Currently the subject of a restraining order (the service of which involved law enforcement personnel in two states), Frisch has been accused of defaming and making threatening comments to children and adults across the US and Puerto Rico.

Mr. Smeagol stated, "This is an OUTRAGE! This is libel. And not the good kind. My good name has been forever tarnished due to being associated with Frisch." Having consulted with Sen. Ted Stevens, Smeagol has learned to his horror that this defamatory post has likely been sent via all the tubes of the internet, to people with computers all over the world.

Due to the lasting and pervasive effect on his film career of being ridiculed as being comparable to Frisch, Mr. Smeagol has retained counsel to explore the possibility of legal action. Mr. Emmanuel Goldstein, Esq., of the firm Goldstein Goldstein Goldstein Goldstein & Yamada, LLP, is consulting with Smeagol as to his possible legal recourse. Goldstein may take litiginious action in the form of retroactive restraining orders, requests for temporary dishonorable discharges, etc., in order to stop the circulation of these despicable characterizations of Mr. Smeagol. In addition, Smeagol fully intends to evaluate his monetary damages and will seek damages, possibly of $52,395 - current MSRP of a Hummer 2 less currently applicable manufacturer discount (different terms may apply to lease transactions, not all prices available to all customers, customer's final price may depend on his/her creditworthiness, your mileage may vary) - or more. When asked about the calculation of the damages, Smeagol said "Well, it has to be enough that we can buy something nice enough to take our preciouuussssss with us, doesn't it? We don't want the nasty hobbittses to walk around with our preciousssss in their nasty pocketses, do we? It belongs to us, we found it. We think a black Hummer 2 would be perfect for driving our with our preciousssss."

Potential plantiffs in this actions include DHDF, Sulla (proprietor of DHDF), hawksp, Deb Frisch, anyone having read the posts in question, and anyone the aforementioned has ever had sex with.

In conclusion, Mr. Smeagol stated: "This isn't just about me. It's about the children. Millions and millions of children have grown up thinking of Smeagol/Gollum as a lovable amphibian with a mild interest in jewelry. To have my name associated with an unemployed, child threatening, rabid lunatic with bleeding string warts (and a red teddy), will only do irreparable harm to those children."
DHD regular "openacanatuna" is responsible for that, in fact I am not even the blog owner anymore...

I'll leave the keys on the desk on my way out...

Update: Our comments, not Dr. Deb's.

You can tell because its... you know... funny.

4 Comments:

At 8:03 PM, Blogger Sulla said...

Does that mean I get the keys to the store, Sinner?

It was the WORD WARRIOR herself what promoted me to A-Hole in Chief, after all. :)

Nah. You're the blogfather. Everywhere else I'm a mostly-ignored lurker. I'm happy just to have feedback on comments fr a change. :)

 
At 8:20 PM, Blogger Rabbit said...

Sinner, from what I hear, taking over a blog is easy as pie.
Plain as the nose on your face.
She's out of ideas.
We have taken over teh crazy blog,we just let her choose what WE post.

Sulla, I love your stuff!

John Henry- I found the mention of her grandmother Edna of Hollywood, FL.

 
At 9:18 PM, Blogger BrendaK said...

openacanatuna -

Now THAT'S entertainment!

 
At 7:36 AM, Blogger Staci said...

Brilliant!!

 

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